Good Bye

"I've had to say goodbye more times than I've liked, but everyone can say that.

And no matter how many times we do it, even when it's for the greater good, it still stings.

And though we'll never forget what we've given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward.

What we can't do is live our lives always afraid of the next goodbye, because chances are they're not going to stop.

The trick is to recognize when a goodbye can be a good thing; when it's a chance to start again."

-Ugly Betty

I've said more than my share of Good Byes, ever since I was little. All to those I love the most in my whole life. Two deaths and one is the effect/ complication of one of the deaths. To conclude, all these good byes were forced upon me and were so sudden that I wasn't prepared to any of it.

I always think that if God give me some signs before these losses, maybe it wouldn't be as hard as it had been. Maybe I wouldn't hurt as much. Ever since then, I have prayed constantly to God to not take away the person I love, to not let the ones who I love say Good Bye to me. I prayed that if it has to be a separation, make me the one leaves, who say the good bye, who died.

My prayers are definitely answered. About 2 weeks ago, I have decided to say Good Bye to a person who I have never imagined that I can love that much.

It's a different kind of Good Bye. For one, I have been thinking about it for many months. Secondly, it was me who said it, who walked away. It should be easy right? After all, that is what I had requested.

Then again, God proves it again. He knows best.

Saying good bye and walking away from the person that you have loved and still love the most your whole life has to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. To make it even worst, I have to cut all contact and ignore all pleas. I have to harden my heart and a piece of me died that day.

But I guess, that is it about life. Sometimes, the sun shines the brightest after the wildest storm. It is just something that has to happen and I have to believe that it is for the greater good. I was thinking last night that it would be wonderful if I can erase this memories so that it wouldn't be too painful. But then again, I will not be who I am today without this experience.

Like Betty said, the trick is to recognize when good bye can be a good thing; when it's a chance to start again. I think I recognized this accurately.

It's all about me

Marlin: I promised I'd never let anything happen to him.
Dory: Hmm. That's a funny thing to promise.
Marlin: What?
Dory: Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him.

- Finding Nemo, 2003

Everything happens for a reason. I believe that. It doesn't matter how bad it is, there is always a silver lining afterwards. It might not be something tangible, but at the very least you learn something from the whole experience. So, do I wish that bad things don't happen to me? Well, when you get caught up in a situation so complicated, yes I did do wish that.

Yet again, it wouldn't be a life if everything is peachy and shiny. Life without its challenges would be extremely dull. Besides, what that doesn't kill you will only make you stronger right? That's my plan right now. To be a stronger person.

From these experiences, I have learnt a lot of lesson. I might write them down in separate entries. But for this entry, I want to write down one of the most important lesson and hopefully will help me to get back on my feet soon enough. I have learnt that it doesn't matter who you were with, you have to be your own person. Never ever lose the person inside of you.

To be honest, I am not really sure who I am anymore. Am I really the person who I used to be? Or I am this new person? A lot of people said I have changed. Granted, I realize there are negative changes. Still, I wouldn't push away the fact that there is a possibility of some positive changes.

Obviously, as human we keep on changing. That's what make us human interesting. We learnt and we developed. To totally understand myself 100%, it would be rather impossible. But, at least if I get to know myself 80% I would be satisfied enough.

So, I am going to take some time and just be on my own for now. Relationship is definitely great but I don't think I am being fair to anyone by jumping to another relationship too fast. I am glad I am doing this. Hello me!

Writer's Block

I don't know what to write anymore. It's been a while since I write and I haven't read anything for quite a while as well. I just realized that I have not done anything interesting for quite some times. Something that is worth writing.

Life journey, well, it is something. A story to tell. But not at the moment. And not when someone knows me. Maybe I'll write somewhere people don't know that it's me. For some reason, I still don't feel comfortable to share personal stories online, except when I am writing anonymously.

Nevertheless, my life has been, ermm, rather interesting in a way that I have learnt quite a thing or two about life. But not that interesting or academia where I can share it on my blog. One day I'll do it (urrghh so much promises for one day).

As I said, this is a new beginning. I am opening a new chapter in my life and I want it to be filled with stories of loves, friendships, families, hobbies, photos and anything that put colors in my life.

I know I screwed up a lot for these couple of years. I don't regret the experience but I do regret some decisions I have made in life. That doesn't mean I want to be stuck regretting. Everyone make mistakes. What matters is what are you going to do to fix it? Or to move from there? And what you learnt from it?

In this past 2 years, I have the privilege of meeting a very kind lady, who treats me like her own daughter. She's a very good listener and I had confided a lot of things with her. One time I asked her, why is it that God put me through all these troubles? I just can't seem to understand? Am I being punished?

She looked at me kindly and said that God loves me, that's why. God only test those He loves. She had explained further which at the moment I can't seem to recall. But she manages to make me feel from disappointed to love for God.

I think that is what I am missing. This concept of love and I plan to explore more. I'll be writing everyday (I'll try!). It's part of my healing process. :)

Hurt

"She slipped her hand into his, trying to memorize the temperature of his skin, the smell and the very sense of him lying beside her in the night. These were the things she would let herself keep. She rubbed her thumb over the soft lines of his palm, stroking into his grasp an apology for what she had yet to do, and the gentle broken edges of a goodbye."

Jodi Picoult, Picture Perfect

Once upon a time, I wrote an entry, well not a whole entry but I did wrote a sentence how time cannot heal anything unless you allow them to. I still believe it. You have to want to heal for it to actually heal overtime.

Some people just get stuck for years trying to get better but are not able to. I think deep down because they don't want to let go. Because some wounds sometimes even though is painful was a reminder of the good things that happened before they got hurt.

I am not sure of many things in life but one thing for sure, I want my life to be better. I want to let go and at the same time to remember the good things that has become memories of once a happy time.

Is it possible? I don't know. I am still trying.

But at the moment, please let me just hold on to that one last moment.

A new beginning

I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are.

It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end.

Because how could the end be happy?

How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.

Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now.

Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?

That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it's worth fighting for.

~Frodo Baggins & Samwise Gamgee, LOTR

Some people know what's going on in my life right now. For those who don't, it is okay. It's not that I don't want to tell you, but grief sometimes is not that easy to share especially when you are trying to put them behind you.

Through it all, I feel like I am blessed. Blessed with the love and blessed with the bundle of chances given to me to make things right. I am grateful for the people that Allah had given me, who have been helping me through these difficult times. Thank you so much for your love, I pray that Allah would repay all your kindness.

It has not been easy but I will keep on fighting for the right thing, for the genuine happiness that we all deserved. It is a new beginning, Alhamdulillah.

Apples on Trees

To Syu!! if you know what i mean =P

Apples on Trees

Girls are like

apples on trees. The best

ones are at the top of the tree.

The boys don't want to reach for

the good ones because they are afraid

of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they

just get the rotten apples from the ground

that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples

at the top think something is wrong with

them, when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right

boy to come along, the one

who's brave enough

to climb

all the way

to the top

of the tree

I see the light

All those days watching from the windows

All those years outside looking in

All that time never even knowing

Just how blind I've been

Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight

Now I'm here, suddenly I see

Standing here, it's all so clear

I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once everything looks different

Now that I see you

Eugene(Flynn):

All those days chasing down a daydream

All those years living in a blur

All that time never truly seeing

Things, the way they were

Now she's here shining in the starlight

Now she's here, suddenly I know

If she's here it's crystal clear

I'm where I'm meant to go

Rapunzel & Eugene (Flynn):

And at last I see the light

Eugene (Flynn):

And it's like the fog is lifted

Rapunzel & Eugene (Flynn):

And at last I see the light

Rapunzel:

And it's like the sky is new

Rapunzel & Eugene (Flynn):

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once, everything is different

Now that I see you, now that I see you